If I Were You is a one-act play by Douglas James where an intruder breaks into Gerrard’s cottage with the plan to murder him and take on his identity. However, Gerrard, who is witty and clever, turns the tables on the intruder by making up a convincing story about being a criminal himself. The play shows how presence of mind and intelligence can help overcome dangerous situations.
Matching Words and Phrases
| Word/Phrase | Meaning |
|---|---|
| cultured | sophisticated; well mannered |
| count on | depend on; rely on |
| engaged | occupied; busy |
| melodramatic | exaggerated |
| to be smart | an informal way of saying that one is being too clever |
| inflection | here, a tone of voice |
| wise guy | a person who pretends to know a lot |
| a dandy bus | an informal expression for a fashionable vehicle |
| tradespeople | merchants |
| gratuitous | unnecessary and usually harmful |
| dodge | avoid |
| lucky break | an unexpected opportunity for success |
| Sunday-school teacher | a Christian religious teacher who teaches on Sundays in Church |
| frame | trap |
The Play
Setting the Scene
The scene is a small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right which may be curtained. Another door to the left must be a practical door. The furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone.
The Opening
When the curtain rises, Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone call. He is of medium height and wearing horn-rimmed glasses. He is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.
Gerrard is on the phone saying he must know something and expects to be there in about ten minutes time but the person mustn’t count on that. He says right-ho and goodbye.
He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left where there is a travelling bag and starts packing. While he is thus engaged, another man similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently with a revolver in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps accidentally against the table and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.
The Confrontation Begins
Gerrard greets him pleasantly saying this is a surprise. The intruder says he is glad Gerrard is pleased to see him but won’t be pleased for long. He orders Gerrard to put his paws up.
Gerrard responds that this is all very melodramatic, not very original perhaps. The intruder says he is trying to be calm and something. Gerrard supplies the word nonchalant.
The intruder thanks him and says Gerrard will soon stop being smart and he will make him crawl. He wants to know a few things.
The Questioning Begins
Gerrard says anything the intruder likes and he knows all the answers. But before they begin, he would like to change his position as the intruder may be comfortable but he is not.
The intruder tells him to sit down there with no funny business. He motions to a chair and seats himself on the divan by the bag. He says they will have a nice little talk about Gerrard himself.
Gerrard sarcastically says at last a sympathetic audience. He offers to tell the story of his life – how as a child he was stolen by gypsies and why at the age of thirty-two he finds himself in his lonely Essex cottage.
The intruder cuts him off and tells him to keep it to himself and just answer his questions. He asks if Gerrard lives here alone.
Gerrard says he is sorry and thought the intruder was telling him, not asking him. It is a question of inflection as his voice is unfamiliar.
The intruder asks with emphasis whether he lives here alone. Gerrard asks what happens if he doesn’t answer.
The intruder says Gerrard has got enough sense not to want to get hurt. Gerrard responds that good sense is shown more in the ability to avoid pain than in the mere desire to do so.
Learning About Gerrard
The intruder says never mind his name and he likes Gerrard’s name better. He asks what Gerrard’s Christian names are. Gerrard says Vincent Charles.
The intruder asks if he runs a car. Gerrard says no. The intruder calls it a lie and says Gerrard is not dealing with a fool. He knows Gerrard runs a car and tells him to be careful, wise guy.
Gerrard asks if he is American or if that is merely a clever imitation. The intruder says the gun is no toy and he can hurt Gerrard without killing him and still get his answers.
Gerrard says if the intruder puts it like that, he will be glad to assist. He does possess a car and it is in the garage round the corner.
The intruder says that is better and asks if people often come out here. Gerrard says very rarely. Surprisingly few people take the trouble to visit him. There is the baker and greengrocer of course, and the milkman who is quite charming, but no one so interesting as the intruder himself.
The intruder says he happens to know that Gerrard never sees tradespeople. Gerrard says the intruder seems to have taken a considerable amount of trouble. Since he knows so much about Gerrard, won’t he say something about himself as he has been so modest.
The Intruder Reveals His Plan
The intruder says he could tell plenty. Gerrard thinks he is smart but the intruder is the top of the class round here. He has got brains and uses them. That is how he has got where he has.
Gerrard asks where precisely he has got, as it didn’t require a great brain to break into his little cottage.
The intruder says when Gerrard knows why he has broken in, he will be surprised and it won’t be a pleasant surprise.
Gerrard says with the intruder figuring so largely in it, that is understandable. He asks what particular line of crime the intruder embraces or if he isn’t a specialist.
The intruder says his specialty is jewel robbery and Gerrard’s car will do him a treat as it is certainly a dandy bus. Gerrard says jewels are few and far between in the wilds of Essex. The intruder says so are the cops and he can retire here nicely for a little while.
Gerrard asks if he means to live with him as that is a trifle sudden and he hasn’t been invited. The intruder says Gerrard won’t be here long so he didn’t trouble to ask.
Gerrard asks what he means. The intruder says this is his big surprise – he is going to kill Gerrard.
The Murder Plan
Gerrard says that is a little harsh. The intruder says with heavy sarcasm that he will be sorry to do it and has taken a fancy to Gerrard, but it has just got to be done.
Gerrard asks why add murder to his other crimes as it is a grave step. The intruder says he is not taking it for fun. He has been hunted long enough. He is wanted for murder already and they can’t hang him twice.
Gerrard says the intruder is planning a gratuitous double so to speak. Admitted he has nothing to lose, but what has he to gain.
The intruder says he has got freedom to gain. As for himself, he is a poor hunted rat. As Vincent Charles Gerrard he is free to go places and do nothing. He can eat well and sleep without having to be ready to beat it at the sight of a cop.
Gerrard says in most melodramas the villain is foolish enough to delay his killing long enough to be frustrated. The intruder is much luckier.
Testing the Identity Theft
The intruder says he has got a reason for everything. He is going to be Vincent Charles Gerrard. He has got to know what he talks like and now he knows. That posh stuff comes easy. He pretends to be on the phone imitating Gerrard’s cultured voice saying this is Mr V.C. Gerrard speaking.
He says that is not all and tells Gerrard to get up a minute. Both stand up and he tells Gerrard to take a look at him.
Gerrard says he is not particularly decorative. The intruder says that goes for Gerrard too. He has only got to wear specs and he will be enough like Gerrard to get away with it.
Gerrard asks what about his clothes as they will let him down if he is not careful. The intruder says that will be all right as Gerrard’s clothes will fit him fine.
Gerrard’s Counter Story
Gerrard says that is extremely interesting but the intruder seems to miss the point of his remark. He said the intruder was luckier than most melodramatic villains. It was not a tribute to his intelligence. The intruder won’t kill him for a very good reason.
The intruder says so that is what Gerrard thinks. Gerrard says the intruder will let him go and thank God he didn’t shoot sooner.
The intruder says come on and tell what is on his mind. He better be quick as this conversation bores him.
Gerrard asks if the intruder’s idea is to elude the police by killing him and taking on his identity. The intruder says yes, he likes the idea.
Gerrard asks but is he sure it is going to help him. The intruder says now listen, he has got this all planned. He did a job in town, things went wrong and he killed a cop. Since then he has done nothing but dodge.
Gerrard asks and this is where dodging has brought him. The intruder says it brought him to Aylesbury where he saw Gerrard in the car. Two other people saw Gerrard and started to talk. He listened. It looks like Gerrard is a bit queer, kind of a mystery man.
Gerrard says a mystery which he proposes to explain. The intruder disregards him and says Gerrard phones his orders and sometimes goes away suddenly and comes back just the same. Those are just the things he wants to do. Hearing about Gerrard was one of his luckiest breaks.
Gerrard says apparently the intruder hasn’t the intelligence to ask why he is invested in this cloak of mystery.
The Big Revelation
The intruder prepares to shoot saying this conversation bores him. Gerrard tells him not to be a fool. If he shoots, he will hang for sure. If not as himself, then as Vincent Charles Gerrard.
The intruder asks what this is. Gerrard says this is his big surprise. He said the intruder wouldn’t kill him and he was right. Why does the intruder think he is here today and gone tomorrow, never sees tradespeople. The intruder says Gerrard’s habits would suit him. Gerrard asks if the intruder thinks he is a Sunday-school teacher since the intruder is a crook.
Gerrard explains that the game is up as far as he is concerned. Things went wrong with him. He said it with bullets and got away. Unfortunately they got one of his men and found things the fool should have burnt. Tonight he is expecting trouble. His bag is packed ready to clear off. There it is.
The intruder says it is a bag all right and this is a gun all right. He asks what is all this. Gerrard says that is a disguise outfit with false moustaches and what not. He asks if the intruder believes him now.
The intruder says musingly that he doesn’t know. Gerrard tells him for God’s sake to clear that muddled head of his and let them go. He asks the intruder to come with him in the car as he can use him. If the intruder finds it is a frame, he has got Gerrard in the car and still has his gun.
The intruder says maybe he is right. Gerrard says then don’t waste time and goes and picks up hat and bag.
The intruder says careful boss, he is watching him.
The Clever Escape
Gerrard says he has got a man posted on the main road who will ring up if he sees the police, but he doesn’t want to leave. The telephone bell rings.
Gerrard says come on, they are after them. Through here straight to the garage.
The intruder asks how he knows that Gerrard is telling the truth. Gerrard tells him not to be a fool and to look for himself.
Gerrard opens the door and steps away. The intruder leans forward to inspect it with his side towards Gerrard but with the revolver ready. As he turns his head, Gerrard gives him a push into the cupboard, knocking the revolver out of his hand. He slams the door and locks it, picks up the revolver and goes to the phone where he stands with the gun pointed at the cupboard door.
The intruder rattles the door and shouts to let him out of there.
Gerrard speaks on the phone saying yes, he is speaking. Sorry he can’t let them have the props in time for rehearsal as he has had a spot of bother, quite amusing. He thinks he will put it in his next play. He asks if they can tell their friend the Sergeant to come up here at once and they will probably find him in the Public Bar.
Questions and Answers
I. Answer these questions
1. At last a sympathetic audience.
(i) Who says this?
Gerrard says this.
(ii) Why does he say it?
Gerrard says this sarcastically when the intruder tells him they will have a nice little talk about himself. The intruder wants to gather information about Gerrard to take on his identity, not because he is genuinely interested in Gerrard’s life story.
(iii) Is he sarcastic or serious?
He is being sarcastic. He is mocking the situation because the intruder is not a sympathetic audience at all but someone who wants to kill him and steal his identity. Gerrard uses irony to hide his fear and maintain his composure.
2. Why does the intruder choose Gerrard as the man whose identity he wants to take on?
The intruder chooses Gerrard for several reasons. First, he saw Gerrard in Aylesbury and noticed they are similar in build. Second, he overheard people talking about Gerrard and learned that he is a bit of a mystery man who phones his orders, sometimes goes away suddenly and comes back just the same, and never sees tradespeople. These habits are exactly what the intruder wants – the ability to disappear and reappear without arousing suspicion. Since the intruder is wanted for murder and is being hunted by police, taking on Gerrard’s mysterious lifestyle would give him freedom to go places and do nothing without being ready to run at the sight of a cop. Also, Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage where people rarely visit, making it easier for the intruder to replace him without being detected.
3. I said it with bullets.
(i) Who says this?
Gerrard says this.
(ii) What does it mean?
This means that when things went wrong for him, he responded with violence and gunfire. He is claiming that he too is a criminal who used a gun when he got into trouble.
(iii) Is it the truth? What is the speaker’s reason for saying this?
No, it is not the truth. Gerrard is making up a story to save his life. His reason for saying this is to convince the intruder that he too is a criminal on the run from the police. If the intruder believes that Gerrard is also wanted for murder, then killing Gerrard and taking his identity would not help the intruder escape the police. The intruder would just be trading one hunted criminal’s identity for another. By creating this false story, Gerrard makes the intruder doubt whether his plan will actually work, thus saving himself from being murdered.
4. What is Gerrard’s profession? Quote the parts of the play that support your answer.
Gerrard is a playwright or dramatist who writes plays. Several parts of the play support this:
At the beginning, he says on the phone that he expects to still be there but the person mustn’t count on that, suggesting he has theatrical commitments.
At the end, when speaking on the phone after locking up the intruder, Gerrard says: Sorry I can’t let you have the props in time for rehearsal, I’ve had a spot of bother quite amusing. I think I’ll put it in my next play.
This clearly shows he is involved in theatre, needs props for rehearsal, and writes plays. The entire encounter with the intruder becomes material for his next play, showing his creative profession.
5. You’ll soon stop being smart.
(i) Who says this?
The intruder says this.
(ii) Why does the speaker say it?
The intruder says this because he is irritated by Gerrard’s calm, witty responses and his refusal to be intimidated. Gerrard keeps making clever remarks and correcting the intruder’s language, which annoys the intruder who wants to establish his dominance and frighten Gerrard.
(iii) What according to the speaker will stop Gerrard from being smart?
According to the intruder, the threat of violence and the reality of his dangerous situation will stop Gerrard from being smart. The intruder believes that once Gerrard realizes he is in real danger of being hurt or killed, he will stop making witty remarks and start taking the situation seriously. The intruder says he will make Gerrard crawl, meaning he will force him to beg and submit through fear.
6. They can’t hang me twice.
(i) Who says this?
The intruder says this.
(ii) Why does the speaker say it?
The intruder says this to explain why he has nothing to lose by murdering Gerrard. He is already wanted for murder and faces hanging if caught. Since the maximum punishment is death by hanging and you can only be executed once, committing another murder won’t make his punishment any worse. Therefore, he feels free to kill Gerrard without worrying about additional consequences. This reveals how desperate and dangerous the intruder is.
7. A mystery I propose to explain. What is the mystery the speaker proposes to explain?
The mystery that Gerrard proposes to explain is why he himself lives such a secretive and mysterious life. The intruder has mentioned that people talk about Gerrard being a mystery man who phones his orders, goes away suddenly, comes back unexpectedly, and never sees tradespeople. The intruder thinks these mysterious habits are perfect for someone trying to hide from police.
Gerrard realizes that the intruder hasn’t asked the important question – why does Gerrard live this way? Gerrard proposes to explain this mystery by falsely claiming that he too is a criminal on the run, just like the intruder. This false explanation is Gerrard’s clever way of making the intruder realize that taking his identity won’t help him escape the police.
8. This is your big surprise.
(i) Where has this been said in the play?
This phrase appears twice in the play. First, the intruder says it when revealing his plan to kill Gerrard and take his identity. Second, Gerrard says it when he reveals his own false story about being a criminal.
(ii) What is the surprise?
When the intruder says it, the surprise is his plan to murder Gerrard and assume his identity to escape police pursuit.
When Gerrard says it, the surprise is his false claim that he too is a criminal wanted by police. Gerrard tells the intruder that things went wrong for him, he said it with bullets and got away, but they caught one of his men who had evidence he should have burned. Gerrard claims he is expecting trouble tonight and his bag is packed to clear off. This surprise completely changes the intruder’s plan because if Gerrard is also a wanted criminal, then killing him and taking his identity won’t help the intruder escape the police at all.
Thinking about Language
I. Correct Word from Pairs
1. The (site) of the accident was (ghastly).
2. Our college (principal) is very strict.
3. I studied (continuously) for eight hours.
4. The fog had an adverse (effect) on the traffic.
5. Cezanne, the famous French painter, was a brilliant (artist).
6. The book that you gave me yesterday is an extraordinary (collage) of science fiction and mystery.
7. Our school will (host) an exhibition on cruelty to animals and wildlife conservation.
8. Screw the lid tightly onto the top of the bottle and (shake) well before using the contents.
II. Irony in the Play
Expressions Gerrard uses ironically and their real meanings:
| What Gerrard says | What he really means |
|---|---|
| Why, this is a surprise, Mr—er— | He pretends the intruder is a social visitor whom he is welcoming. In this way he hides his fear. |
| At last a sympathetic audience! | He pretends the intruder wants to listen to him, whereas actually the intruder wants to find out information for his own use. |
| You have been so modest. | He is sarcastically pointing out that the intruder has been boasting and showing off, not being modest at all. |
| With you figuring so largely in it, that is understandable. | He is sarcastically saying that any plan involving the intruder is bound to be unpleasant, mocking the intruder’s intelligence and character. |
| In most melodramas the villain is foolish enough to delay his killing long enough to be frustrated. You are much luckier. | He is pretending to compliment the intruder but actually warning him that he is making the same mistake as foolish villains by talking too much instead of acting. |
III. Dictionary Use
Completing the table using dictionary information:
| Noun | Adjective | Adverb | Verb | Meaning |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| sympathy | sympathetic | sympathetically | sympathize | feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune |
| familiarity | familiar | familiarly | familiarize | the state of knowing someone or something well |
| comfort | comfortable | comfortably | comfort | a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint |
| care | careful, caring | carefully | care | the provision of what is necessary for health and protection |
| surprise | surprising, surprised | surprisingly | surprise | an unexpected or astonishing event or fact |
Speaking
1. Imagine you are Gerrard. Tell your friend what happened when the Intruder broke into your house.
Students should describe the intruder’s appearance (flashily dressed in overcoat and soft hat, similar build to Gerrard, carrying a revolver), the way he spoke (using American slang, threatening, boastful), his plan (to kill Gerrard and take his identity because they looked similar and Gerrard’s mysterious lifestyle would help him hide from police), his movements (entering silently, bumping into table, sitting on divan, preparing to shoot), and how Gerrard outwitted him by making up a story about being a criminal himself, showing the intruder a disguise outfit, and finally tricking him into looking into a cupboard which was supposedly the way to the garage, then pushing him in and locking the door.
2. Enact the play in the class.
Students should pay special attention to words given in italics before dialogues. These indicate tone and actions – pleasantly, with emphasis, with heavy sarcasm, musingly, preparing to shoot, etc. Characters should move and act as described while speaking their lines.
Writing
I. Describing Gerrard and the Intruder
Words that describe Gerrard: smart, humorous, clever, cool, confident, witty, nonchalant
Words that describe the Intruder: flashy, smart (in his own estimation), confident (overconfident)
Paragraph about Gerrard:
Gerrard is a smart and witty playwright who remains remarkably cool and nonchalant even when faced with a dangerous armed intruder. He is clever enough to quickly assess the situation and create a convincing false story to save his life. His humorous and sarcastic responses show his confidence and presence of mind. Throughout the encounter, he maintains his cultured manner of speaking and uses irony to hide his fear. His intelligence and quick thinking allow him to turn the tables on the intruder, ultimately trapping him in a cupboard and calling the police.
Paragraph about the Intruder:
The intruder is a flashy dresser who is overconfident about his intelligence and planning abilities. He thinks he is smart and claims to be top of the class, but he lacks the wit to see through Gerrard’s deception. He is a jewel robber wanted for murder who has been hunted by police. He speaks with American slang, using phrases like wise guy and dandy bus. Though he enters with a carefully planned scheme to kill Gerrard and assume his identity, his arrogance and impatience make him vulnerable. He gets bored easily with conversation and is eager to act, which ultimately leads to his downfall when he falls for Gerrard’s trick.
II. Converting the Play into a Story
Students should write a 150-200 word story titled something like The Clever Playwright or Outwitting the Intruder that captures the excitement and wit of the play, describing how Gerrard used his intelligence to escape from a dangerous criminal who wanted to kill him and steal his identity.
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